…that getting out of bed at 11am to make a cup of tea (and because the wife insists that I MUST get up), is as good a way as any to attempt to pull me out of this morass.
I’m bleeding again.
After a perfect week away in the place I feel most at home and spiritually connected.
After spending days with swollen tender breasts, irritability, sudden bouts of starving-ness, extreme tiredness from about 3pm each day.
After standing overlooking the most northern point in the country, where the Tasman Sea and the Pacific Ocean meet, and the resulting waves and whirlpools are believed to signify the creation of life.
After sunrise meditations on the actual beach where I usually go to (in my mind) when I meditate.
After seeing a childhood friend who asked if I was hapu (pregnant) and said she’d been dreaming for two weeks of a baby boy with black hair.
After a visit to my grandfathers grave, who I sense is going to be the one who guides our baby to us.
After dreams of a boy baby tucked up in white sheets in a wooden crib.
After my inner voice said to me when wondering if this would be the time: “He’s already here.”
After a mutha-flippin sausage fell out of the sky and onto my head on an insemination day.
After meeting and making friends with 2 midwives whilst away – one of which lived in my childhood home.
After my charting app showed perfect ovulation and insemination timing.
After the day (tomorrow at 15dpo) that we had chosen to test, will be our 1st wedding anniversary.
After all that.
I’m bleeding heavily again.
This is a specially hard one as I really felt that wee presence. I don’t know if it’s better or worse to feel that the pregnancy starts, then stops.
Surely we are getting closer to the real thing now. Please. Soon come pepi, please.
Timing can be such a cruel and fickle thing! Your wee one is with you in spirit and you will continue to feel his/her presence until everything lines up just right. Try to stay positive, open and joyful as the energies align. It *will* happen, of that I’m certain!
Thanks beegirl. We feel this baby coming too…
Beautiful post. Dreadful outcome. It makes me want to punch someone in the face for you. And that doesn’t even make any sense, that’s not how you get someone pregnant. Still I want to, because I want your motherhood in this world. We need it.
Man I’m hoping that brother-in-law gets his visa extended, can’t they see that the job isn’t finished!
Sorry for the sloooow response- Internet issues. I LOVE this comment! Xx
So very sorry. I thought all the signs were there, too. It feels terrible, but please don’t give up. Your little one’s soul is hovering, of that I am certain.
Thank you sweet Katie. That really helped. We aren’t giving up. I want this way to much and I know our babies are out there. As hard as it is, I’ll just keep trying.
I hate this for you. I love that you have such an amazing way of putting your feelings to paper-it’s beautiful and gut wrenching and our words stay with me. I hope the next go is better. Hang in there <3
Thank you for saying that. I didn’t think of them as beautiful, I just had to write it down to get it out really.
I’m sure we’ll get there soon, but oh the waiting!
Gosh. I’m sorry to hear about this.
I am very familiar with what you’re feeling at the moment. I, too, thought I was feeling things downstairs that indicated a little one but I guess I was manifesting them as I got faint spotting this morning. Similar to you, we had the following “signs”:
- It would have been S’s birthday on the exact day we could announce at 3 months.
- Half way between donor and us (for us to AI) is the place where S grew up.
- If I was successful, it would be due on our wedding anniversary.
Although we have just tried the once, the feelings you get after AI are so strange that they start to make you feel and believe all sorts of things. It’s a horrible game.
We wish you the best of luck and hope you find your Pepi soon (their time will come).
I guess maybe it’s manifesting but regardless, it’s entirely possible that these pregnancies start and for whatever reason just don’t stick. Last month I had no symptoms even though we had done one insem before taking a break. So I had at the back of my mind that it was still possible it could happen that month. Whereas this month felt physically and spiritually very different.
We’ll get there eventually, I’m sure it’s close…
Beautiful… and I’m so very sorry.
Thank you, on both counts.
No words of wisdom or comfort, just that I’m sorry. How heartbreaking to feel things so aligned and then have them ripped away. Peace and love and serenity to you.
Those were the perfect words. Thank you.
oh i am so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the “oh too perfect timing” is actually…not. There have been so many +s as of late, we are surely next!
Yes and grrrrr to the universe’s sense of humour.
Mother Nature can be a mean bitch sometimes. I’m so sorry. I wish that everyone who wanted to have a baby could do it easily and with joy – it just doesn’t seem right that for some of us it has to be so hard. *hugs*
I love you for calling her on being a mean bitch!
I need to look that place up on google earth. How would I find it?
I’m so sorry that your little one whose presence you felt, could not stay with you and grow bigger and stronger. It certainly sounds as if everything was aligned.
My hugs to you from across the curve of the earth.
I love your sign off!
The name of the place to google earth search is Cape Reinga or Te Rerenga o Wairua (the leaping off place of spirits) as we believe that our wairua (spirits) leap off the most northern point and return to our spiritual homeland.
The first time we got pregnant, we lost the pregnancy at 14 weeks. We found out when we went in to hear the heartbeat and there wasn’t one. Someone said to me that they believe that was not the right body for our baby. That the soul is the same and was always with us, just searching for the right vessel. It sounded hokey at the time and I think I remember wanting to punch her in the face. But now, having a two year old, I get what she meant. Trying to have a child is a brutal process. Hang in there. Know you are not alone and that hopefully, one day, the journey will make more sense. Even though I don’t know you, I feel confident you will make an amazing mother one day.
-Betsy (Turkey Baster and a Bottle of Wine)
And PS. I love that point where the seas converge. I have a photo of the blues swirling together that reminds me that nothing is permanent. This is all ever changing. Each cycle, a new beginning and hope and possibility.
Did you go there?
Or do you just mean you have a picture of something similar? I took some pics and will upload in the next few days.
I have been there. I spent about 7 weeks in NZ in 2004. I would LOVE to live there one day. The botanical gardens in Christchurch, Punakaiki, Cape Reinga, Golden Bay. Like breathing deep just remembering.
Ahhh lucky you, some nice places you mention. Come back!
It is such a brutal process. After 2 back to back miscarriages, an enforced 6mth wait to try again and now 4 attempts in a row to TTC before our donor possibly has to return to the other side of the world in 12 days…the pressure and emotional wrenching is rather exhausting. We just pray that he gets a visa extension or a work permit and can stay longer!
I’m sorry Pepibebe! Good (no great) things will come…just don’t give up!
We won’t give up…just hope the BIL gets his visa extension…!!!
I don’t always believe in good signs, but I thought I saw a lot of them in my cycle too. Unfortunately, you and I had the same results. Maybe it means good things will be happening soon?
Yeah it means that our babies are just so very close. I do believe that!