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It’s a weird day today. A wistful, wallowing kind of a day.

Here in NZ it is the Sunday of a long weekend. This particular weekend we always spend with my family, in the country, at the place where we now live. There are two massive school galas and each year my whole family drag us (and any visiting hang-er’s on) off to the gala for the second-hand stalls. My brother and his wife deal in vintage and retro collectibles and the whole family has a strong commitment (heehee) to garage sales (yard sales), white elephant (junk) stalls etc. My wife and her brother think the level of commitment is hilarious and I must admit it must be funny to watch. Last year we got a haul of baby related goodies, a rather well-loved 3 wheeler pram suitable for walking on the local beaches, a cot, loads of great condition baby clothes and hand knitted blankets etc. It was a wonderful day and my mum was telling everyone how I was pregnant and my sister-in-law too. Then we got home and went over what we had purchased, Dad cleaned up the pram and there was much excitement about our future arrival. Dad tried to convince me that the 3 sided cot could easily be fixed up for use up at their place etc lol.

The next day, Monday we were all down the hill on their property, working on the cottage that we were renovating. This was being rushed along for us to move into once the baby was born. My wife and her brother and my Dad were building, while I had the job of sweeping up and making hot drinks.

Then I went to the toilet and to my shock I was bleeding. Scary red blood.

We lost the baby the next morning, Tuesday the 26th of October at 11 weeks, 5 days. Date-wise the anniversary of losing the pepi is next week, but memory-wise this weekend is the long weekend when I started to bleed.

Next week on the anniversary we will be in the middle of TTC, hopefully it will be a time of looking forward. So I am taking time to wallow and feel sad today.

Today we are grieving the anniversary of the very last day of our innocence.

* Oh and the 3 sided cot – it’s now become a laundry dryer on pulleys above our wood fire. Hopefully next winter it will be covered in cloth nappies (diapers).