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I woke to the knowledge that it is 20 years today since my beloved Grandpa passed. I get my green eyes from him, and my Maori bloodline.

I was hoping that we’d been meant to delay the first insemination of this cycle till this significant morning, so that it would mean a baby may be guided through him to us. A boy, I was feeling for the first time.

Instead something else came.

I’m too tired to go into it just now and I need to spend some time processing the day with Toku.

But I guess Grandpa has guided me to this other thing instead. Now I just need to learn how to navigate this next part of the journey. I have to feel my way, rather than my default mechanism of thinking my way through it.

Don’t worry, it’s nothing tragic or majorly dramatic. But a delay nonetheless.

More tomorrow…