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I started a post about this yesterday, but there are so many details I wrote a whole posts worth of text and still was on events that happened on the first half day of the last 3 weeks!

So I’m writing a bullet point post in the hope that will make it shorter! I will maybe write an additional one later if people are curious about the details.

In summary:

– The morning after we did our first insemination this cycle, I went to have a fertility healing type session with my Maori healer friend Aroha.

– She told me that she feels that I’m not getting pregnant as I’m too stressed out with it all, and obsessing about the baby. She described it as: “If a baby is out there considering whether to come or not, would it want to come to a mother who is feeling so desperate and obsessive about having a child?”

– After much discussion with her and Toku, I agreed that as much as I was trying not to, I was obsessing.

– Aroha also felt I had not finished healing from our previous losses.

– Her strong advice was to stop trying this cycle and give myself a break. She actually said that from a spiritual perspective, my body was in such a state that even if I did get pregnant I may lose the baby. So first I had to finish grieving for the other babies and do some things that would help me to ‘get out of my head’ – i.e. stop obsessing.

– Given that I’d had similar concerns voiced by Whakaora & Ngira a week or so before, I thought I had better listen.

– So with much fear for the lost opportunity and many tears, I decided to take her advice & stop trying till later in Jan (which hopefully still gives us 2 tries before Manaaki leaves).

– The thing that panicked me most though, was how on earth do I get out of my head? I’m a big thinker and worrier and a bit OCD / perfectionist in some ways. I’m also in a position where we can’t just have sex and get pregnant, nor can we hand over the decision making about timing, ovulation, supplements etc to a doctor or specialist. We are doing DIY home insemination, and it’s just that Do It Yourself! I was worried that if not worrying was the key to this…how the hell do I stop worrying?!

– Fortunately and probably not coincidentally, I’d been really enjoying the relaxation CD that Ngira lent me, and when I contacted the hypnotherapist that had created it to purchase my own copy, she was back in NZ, so I decided to go see her as….

– Coincidentally (or not!), she specialises in hypnotherapy for recurrent MC and infertility issues.

– I asked if we could focus on healing from my MC’s and also on ‘getting out of my head’. She replied those were the things most women who had MC’s needed to work on.

– I had a 1.5hr session with her on the 22nd Dec, Toku came too. We talked about our fertility journey thus far. And identified the main issues for me were a need to heal from the loss of our babies, to let them go. To have faith and believe that a baby will come. To feel that my body is healed and capable. To let go of any fear of MC for the next pregnancy. To learn how to relax and be calm and not focus on whether or not I am, or could be, pregnant.

– The session was amazing! After around 1 hour of discussions, she did a 30 min hypnosis with me that Toku recorded so I can listen to it whenever I feel I need to. She also did a small amount of ‘Body Talk’ which is another complementary therapy a bit like muscle testing, to see if there were any other issues that needed to be dealt with. Then did some reiki style work on a couple of things that came up.

– I left there feeling awesome, calm, like a massive weight had been lifted off my chest and shoulders and head.

– I have continued either listening to that hypnosis CD or my original relaxation CD every day since, and each time I feel refreshed and calm.

– I totally coped with Xmas Day. Whereas I thought I’d be devastated all day and severely challenged spending it with my niece who is the exact age of our first lost baby, I didn’t cry once! I had a few twinges of sadness during the day, but seriously…I had a really nice day! It was freakin’ unbelievable! Toku could not believe it. We had even considered not going to our family Xmas for the first time ever.

– I went back last weekend for a second session to do a ‘fear release’ hypnosis and she said just to go back again if I feel I need to, but that I should be all good now.

– The coping and relaxation techniques I have learnt are invaluable and I feel like I have achieved the impossible…
I haven’t been obsessing and I have felt calm and relaxed about the fact that this baby will come when it is ready. If it doesn’t happen while Manaaki is here this time, then we’ll just have to save up and bring him back again.

– I see so many stories of lesbians saying that they conceived in the cycle they didn’t think that insemination had worked (e.g. Roleplaying With Kids, Insert Metaphor), and of straight women saying it happened when they went on a vacation or simply gave up and stopped trying etc. I just didn’t know how I could achieve a state of not freaking out about it. So I guess this is how?

Well that’s my ‘summary’ version of events!

Has anyone else used hypnotherapy in relation to fertility or recurrent miscarriage? I’d be fascinated to hear if it helped you…

Happy new year to you all. It’s going to be a good one. Xx