The world of online TTC / pregnancy forums is an interesting one.
I joined my first, (well only one really), back in August 2011 when I first got pregnant. I went straight into the ‘Due in May 12’ group and happily stayed there avidly reading comments about others symptoms and posting up my own comments which were, of course, witty and erudite.
I’m glad now that I didn’t discover the forum earlier and join the TWW group as I would have been one of those awful One Hit Wonders. To make it worse, with the first pregnancy we only inseminated on one day and I got knocked up! I would’ve pissed off so many long term TTC’ers.
I was surprised that there seemed to be no other obviously gay women on any of the forums, but my group seemed like a nice enough bunch of ladies.
Then, after a blissfully ignorant and happy 9 weeks in my due date group, I suddenly miscarried and so left the group, after a few sad posts on what was happening.
I guess that was when I first became a little disgruntled. There I was having a MC, (at 12 weeks no less), yet most of the group barely batted an eyelid. They did say sorry and sent ‘hugs’, moved my username from the due date list to the ‘Angel babies’ one at the bottom of the page and posted an avatar of a smiley with wings and a halo beside my name – uck. (You can take that as either a disgusted noise or an expletive.) I’m not sure exactly what I expected or wanted from the group, I suppose just more discussion about what had happened or perhaps PMs from people who had experienced it themselves.
For a long time I kept popping back to see what was happening and, if I am to be brutally honest, also out of morbid curiosity to see if anyone else had followed me onto the hated Angel babies list. But mainly life continued as usual for everyone else and it was just general chit chat about symptoms and complaints about still feeling queasy etc.
Eventually, and I think it was after I got pregnant again, I stopped looking at what had become ‘their page’. Although I must admit I continued to look at my due date buddies comments and ticker to see where she was at. You know that kind of slow torture we like to inflict on ourselves sometimes.
At the time of my first loss I also discovered the miscarriage forum. It was an absolute godsend as it helped me to come to terms with what I was feeling. The topic wasn’t very active, but reading back over hundreds of entries made me feel less alone. It also started me looking for blogs of other women, especially lesbians, who had been through the same thing.
Finally after a brief foray in the TWW and the Charting Girls forums, I happily moved back into a new Due Date forum, this time May 2013. I don’t think that I left anyone feeling too pissy at me for my prompt graduation , as they could all see my MC dates on my signature and those in the Charting forum knew we were using a donor, however I didn’t divulge why.
Then it got interesting…some of the other ladies were talking about their upcoming weddings, so I joined in. Buuuut, I didn’t mention that I was one of two brides. I had a DP (Dear Partner) instead of DF (Dear Fiancé), but that wasn’t unusual. By the way, don’t all the acronyms make you cringe?! BD Baby Dance and AF Aunt Fanny etc. For f***s sake, we’re not freaking children here, I mean I’m monitoring how open my cervix is, and how stretchy my mucus is. So surely it’s okay to say period or menstruation or sex?!
Anyway, after about 4 weeks in the group, discussing wedding dresses and cakes etc, I finally purposely let slip that our donor is my future wife’s brother. I got some interesting comments, one of the first of which said something the lines of…”So why were you lying to us about getting married?” I was a bit flabbergasted and said that I was getting married, but to a woman. That I hadn’t wanted to ‘come out’ earlier in case someone had made an awful homophobic comment about the miscarriage. I got an apology from the woman who wrote the comment, and lots of wonderful comments and PMs from others too. Plus a few other gay girls came out of the woodwork and we created a tiny Same Sex parenting group.
When I miscarried the second time women in my due date and in the charting forum all took time to write with some really lovely comments, and many have continued to follow our progress. They often pop up if I give an update and add some encouraging comments. I even had a few say sweet things like that if they won the lottery they’d fly Manaaki back to NZ again lol.
Now, with each try that we make, we have all of these lovely straight women, many of whom are on their own long difficult journeys, cheering us on each TWW and sending love and commiserations each time we are disappointed. They don’t know me like you all do, as I don’t bear my soul on there like I do here. But they care, as I care for many of them too.
I do think it’s kind of ironic that these two lesbians have a horde of straight girls rooting for us. The especially funny part , (which is why I used it for my post title), is that in New Zealand ‘rooting‘ is slang for Baby Dancing. Hehe.
A related badly punctuated joke…
How can you spot a male kiwi? Because he eats roots shoots and leaves.
(And I know it’s bombed if you have to explain a joke, but just for clarification, here we call the bird as well as NZ’ers kiwi’s but we call the fruit kiwifruit. )