Winter has finally hit with a cold snap and thunder storms this weekend and it has been just the perfect weather for my love and I. We wanted some time to ourselves and this rainy weekend helped guarantee that.
What has been especially lovely though, is that we have been smooching round the house rather than moping. It seems that every set back we have just reinforces how much we love and care for each other.
Yesterday I wrote this response in reply to a comment about how we look happy together: ‘…Yes, Toku and I are very, very happy together, and I know how lucky I am to have her beside me as we navigate this roller coaster. In fact in my wedding speech I spoke about how one of my first thoughts as I stood holding our first miscarried baby in my hands was that I was blessed, blessed to have her as my partner as I knew instantly that she would stand by me in my grief and see us through this. I wasn’t wrong, she has been, and continues to be, amazing. We feel stronger than ever. I know we are gonna make it.’
So I’ve been thinking about that.
How it struck me at the time (and still does), as such a weird thing to be thinking. I mean who holds their foetus in their hands after a spontaneous and shock miscarriage and feels blessed?
Well I did, and still do. Because I remember, amongst other awful and much more visceral memories, the feeling of it being such a relief to know that as much pain as I knew I had to come, my first feelings and thoughts were of my surety that my partner had me, she really truly had me. That I would be safe and together we would be okay.
To have a sense of peace come to me in that awful, bloody, heart wrenching moment was such a gift. A blessing in fact.
So here we are, 5 days out from the 1 year anniversary of that baby’s due date. One more loss after that. Followed by 7 intense months of TTC again to no avail.
Here we are. In love. Being patient and tender and sweet with each other. Enjoying a rainy weekend chilling out, listening to the rain, staying warm and hanging with Miss Anahera.
Here we are. Blessed.
PS: If you are new here I’ve done a TTC journey page in case you want to catch up.