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Two years ago this week we were conceiving our first baby. Sometimes I think I’m cursed with a good memory for dates. I guess with this one it’s easy to remember as it happened with one insemination and only days after Toku’s mother and Manaaki arrived into New Zealand.

It hit me hard on the weekend when I realized that it had been not one, but two whole years since I’d been pregnant. It shocks me that we started our family two years ago and still we don’t have a child in our lives. We don’t even have any idea when we can next start TTCing.

Having our wee puppy helps so much, but it also makes me feel acutely our empty spaces. When I see Toku make the ‘Oh she’s soooo cute!’ eyes at her I wish she was doing them at our child. When I am aching to hold a baby and instead lay Fidél on my lap or chest to sleep, her weight isn’t right and I lament our missing pepi as much as I take comfort from her puppy babyness.
When I’m awake for her in the night or tired as I’ve been up early to take her outside for toileting, I wish my energy was being spent on a real child.

My dad and my nana both quietly thanked Toku for allowing me to get a puppy (as she wasn’t 100% sure she wanted one). They knew a little of how much I needed something to nurture. My wife knows it so much more intimately. I can see how it hurts her to see me loving on Fidél but dreaming of our own child.

I’m just glad I have her delicious babyness to enjoy for now, especially while we go through yet another raft of unfortunately remembered dates.

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