Thanks to all for your kind words, fortunately our run of bad luck hasn’t continued on this one so far.
After an anxious few days we finally made a time to go see Koha and find out what he meant when he said we needed to chat before he spoke to his ex girlfriend (K) who he is back on again with, his ex-wife (the mother of his 3 kids), and the kids themselves.
The counsellor at our fertility clinic told him that he should talk to them all now so there were no nasty surprises later.
I was freaking out on a number of counts:
1) K doesn’t like us so I doubted would agree to him being our donor
2) K will now have to have counselling with him at the clinic & this will slow things down & what if she has to give consent before we go ahead
3) Does he want to ‘chat’ to us before he tells his ex-wife in case he doesn’t like what we say & changes his mind (thereby not needing to tell her at all)
4) What if his kids (aged 15, 18 & 20) freak out
5) We seem so freaking hexed on the baby making front … Is our bad luck turning up as usual?
So it was a stressful weekend waiting to go see him on Sunday afternoon.
It all turned out fine – thank goodness. We met at a cafe and I was worried I’d end up crying in public again, but we just had a nice brunch together and only touched on a few of the topics. Then went back to his place for a more in depth talk.
He’d already spoken to K about it and it sounds like they had an argument. I’m actually relieved this has happened before he saw us as otherwise I might worry that he was saying it was all still on, but that he might change his mind after talking with her.
Instead we could clearly see and hear his resolve to go ahead with it regardless.
She has told him that she doesn’t believe he will be able to not get too involved. She says she wants a child with him. He agrees she has been saying it for years but has never wanted to make any plans about it, he said he didn’t want to leave it too late as his kids are already grown. Plus she’s 41 so had better hurry up if she wants them with him. She doesn’t want everyone knowing he has a child with us especially if she gets pregnant, I assume it will take the attention away from her. He doesn’t seem to believe that she does truly want a child (& I kind of hope that if they do she changes her ways or he will be left holding the baby for sure). Plus she’s pissy that he hadn’t told her about being a donor since they have been back on again. He told us that he wasn’t sure what was happening with them and he didn’t want to invade our privacy by telling anyone.
So he is going to speak to her again and may get us to meet with her too so she can hear it all from us (that it will be our baby, not his etc). We totally will do that if she wants, and are happy to draw up a contract between us three to show our intentions. But I doubt either thing will help as she does not like us and so probably won’t believe us anyway.
He is also planning to speak to his ex-wife so she knows what is going on before he tells his kids. We asked what she might think and he says that she has lots of gay friends so should be understanding. Then he has to get his kids together and tell them! Poor fella having all this stress to go through.
He’s told us that he hopes K and the kids will respect his decision and that he’s committed to helping us out. Such a relief. I cried. As usual. He nearly cried too. He really cares about us and feels for us and what we’ve been through.
We were supposed to have our joint counselling session last week and sign the consents, but now he has to speak to all of them and then find time to get K along to a session before we can book in the joint one.
I have a feeling this won’t all be done in time for us to try in April. My monitoring would need to start around the 8th and I think they won’t monitor without the consents signed.
But still, a little delay is better than some of the other things I was imagining.
I’ll leave you with this image of a special piece of jewellery that my friends, (who married here just recently), gave me when they stayed.
It is, of course, in relation to the baby making dream.
We are holding onto it tight and breathing deep.