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Feeling a little sorry for myself so I’ll write as I always feel better after I’ve got it all off my chest. (I generally get all embarrassed at your kind comments and feel like a doofus for being such a sad-arse.)

I’m on day 1 today. Of our first IUI cycle. Well it could have been. Things are back to our seemingly default setting – that of limbo. That place where any ability to move forward is out of our hands. Again.

I went to see my hypnotherapist last week who said that my announcement that I was happy I was not too worked up over potential ‘happenings’ but was more ‘resigned’ to it was not good. She said ‘accepting’ was a more positive way of framing it up. So I’m going to try exceedingly hard in his post to not use negative words or phrases.

But to be honest…this f*cking sucks. And you know what else? This f*cking sucks AGAIN! I am so extremely tired of never getting a single break. Not one step of this entire freaking epic journey has been easy. (Okay getting knocked up on our first at home try was easy, but it was followed quickly after by heartbreak.)

I woke at 4am this morning and lay there thinking that it’s 10 years since I started seriously on this path. It turns out that it’s actually 9, but still, that’s nearly a decade of aching for a child. A decade of putting so much else on hold in case it happened. Not making long term plans to travel, selecting clothing on the fact that I might be pregnant. Choosing whether or not to get a dog, move home etc etc – all based in the chance and hope that any day things might change and I might be pregnant 9 months from what ever decision I was making. My ex and I started seriously looking for a donor in 2004 and drew up agreements and started trying in April 2005. I’ve been aching since then. This morning I thought (in one of those crazy 4am thoughts), if I have a child now I will have had 10 less years with them than I should have by the time I die, and I sure hope I don’t die young, cos’ that’s kind of how my luck has gone on this mothering gig.

I am so tired of this. And still I keep trudging on.

The long and short of it is that Koha (our donor) has made no progress with K (his on/off girlfriend). They have been arguing majorly about him donating to us since I last wrote. There has been no movement towards a shared counselling appointment for them. So he hasn’t talked to his children about it all (& seriously, the poor bastard doesn’t need any more grief in his life just now if they didn’t take it well). So we haven’t had our joint counselling appointment with him that was supposed to end in him signing over consent. So there has been no point in him doing the blood tests to lift the quarantine on his sperm.

I’m on day one and we should have started monitoring on day 9. Instead we have no idea when there will be any resolution.

We just found this out on Tuesday as I guess he didn’t want to tell us that it wasn’t going to happen this month, so was putting it off. Monday night she kept him up the entire night arguing with him. She gave him a 4 page closely written letter all about how she didn’t trust him not to ‘get involved’. Stupid stuff like ‘what if it’s a boy and loves football?’ We were like – but even if you weren’t the donor, we’d still want you to be the child’s male role model, so what difference does it make?

So argh, we are stuck again. Oh and just in time for my 37th birthday in mid-April that I was really hoping I would be spending quietly hoping that a wee babe would be settling in for the long haul.

Send tea and sympathy. We are in need.

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