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So why are we always stuck on a freaking roller coaster?

This was Saturday morning’s facebook update: “Just when we thought things might finally, finally, finally have a chance of going right, the worst possible outcome has happened just days before we should have been embarking on our new journey. We deserve for something to be easy about this. When will it ever be our turn?”

From which you can probably garner that the meeting didn’t go well with Koha (who’s pseudonym I guess I ought to change!)…

We went down for the meeting, to have it be him alone (which was a small blessing as at least the smarmy b*tch wasn’t there), and for him to explain that due to all the trauma and conflict with she who shall now be known as PFB (Pointy Faced Bitch – Toku’s new name for her), he had rung his elder siblings in London to talk to them about his situation. They threw an absolute fit and adamantly told him that they did not agree with donating and he should not go through with it. He is very close with his sisters, and as is the case for many of our Caribbean family, although not 100% religious themselves, they grew up in a strong Catholic society. So we believe that this is the main reason for them not wanting him to donate – it’s not a ‘Godly’ way for a child to be created in their mind. He says that they (and PFB) have given him a huge number of ‘scenarios’ that he hadn’t considered – and it sounds like all were negative.

It was awful, it was shocking (given his level of commitment to us – and the fact that he was saying that if it was just up to him he was so happy about it), it devastated us and made Toku so angry.

We feel that PFB wore him down emotionally and in every way she could for 3-4 weeks, including arguing with him all night so he was physically tired as well. So when he then faced a bad reaction from his family he just couldn’t stand up to it.

One of my points to him was that if he had rung his family and told them that he had accidentally knocked up some woman that he wasn’t going to be in a relationship with, they would’ve said “you should have kept it in your pants and you are an idiot. Now who is this woman and lets welcome this child into our family.” But as soon as it’s carefully planned and well thought through and coming from a loving place – well then that’s when people take offence.

I think it’s basically impossible as PFB wants him to have zero involvement if he did it, whereas his family don’t want him to have a child that he’s not 100% involved with.

We asked if he would go back and see the counsellor and he said that it (going ahead with being our donor) was just too stressful and had been so conflict filled from the minute that he told anyone, that he couldn’t imagine, nor deal with, the fall out if he went through with it.

It so f*cking sucks as we feel it has all come from PFB, if he had spoken about it with any number of other people he would have had an amazingly positive reaction. I asked why he felt that their interpretation of reality with all of their negative scenarios was correct over the shared vision that we three had felt. He couldn’t really answer that.

He cried, we all cried. Toku was so very angry and upset as she was so shocked that he was letting us down like that.

We ended up moving on to talking really honestly with him about how we felt about PFB and the way she has been treating him (after asking if he wanted our honest opinions lol), as we felt we could be straight up since he said he was sure he wouldn’t be changing his mind about the baby. They have been together for 12 years but on and off all of that time and have never lived together etc as she won’t make that commitment to him. We also started speaking with him about his friendships etc as, (probably due to his very messy and manipulative / unhealthy relationship with PFB), he says he has few true friends and many of them end up using then ditching him.

So we were there for a couple of hours and were really having a big heart to heart – when a car lights up the driveway and seconds later PFB flounces in and throws herself down on a chair saying to him “Why didn’t you answer you phone! You need to COMMUNICATE!” Whoa. It was awful. She knew that he was telling us that news and we had only arrived at 6.30pm, it was just before 8pm. His phone was on silent. It was obvious that we were still deep in talk. What a b*itch. She then proceeded to argue with him in front of us, at one point she even had the audacity to turn to me and say “I’m so sorry about the talk you’ve had to have tonight. It’s affected us too you know.” Koha cut her off and told her not to say it (as I guess he knew just how fake it was). She insisted that she had a right to share how she felt. Thank goodness Toku had gone to the toilet as I think she might have had a hard time not reaching out and slapping her.

So basically we left about 10 mins after she arrived. I was still in shock and Toku was furious with PFB -well we both were. We left feeling so very sad, and feeling sorry for Koha as things seem very messy with them.

We had a hotel room but I wanted to run and come home, however Toku insisted we stay. I was afraid of the depression hitting me again really badly, so we decided to go visit a good friend (the one who had found us our previous donor back in Oct).

This post is getting really long so I will try and abbreviate now as I have work to do…

–  We went there and drunk Courvoisier and cried and swore and laughed with her till 2am

– She insisted we stay in the city the next day and go to our friend’s party, I wasn’t keen but we said we’d call in before we went home to pick up some curried goat for Toku (she knows how to bribe the woman lol)

– We went there the next day feeling so shattered and drained and like someone had died – still in shock

– We stayed and helped prepare for the party as we needed the laughter we always share with our Caribbean family

– When I was in another room feeling sorry for myself our friend went outside and ate lunch with the host of the party

– He was our other donor who pulled out due to medical reasons last Oct

– She told him what had happened and how we had been let down (what should have been) a week out from inseminations

– He said we deserved better than that and that he thinks he is now a position to help us out and wants to talk to us again!

– She came told us, I cried then drank a whole lot of rum. A WHOLE lot of rum!

So that’s where we are at right now. Confused, shocked, sad, angry, hopeful, scared to hope, lost, feeling kind of disloyal to Koha to be feeling so hopeful about this new possibility…

See what I mean about a roller coaster ride???

Oh and one other thing – boy do we get solid when the shit hits the fan! All I could feel for Toku was deep love and a determination that we will get through this – as well as we have with every other thing we have survived thus far.