So imagine this: You excitedly tell someone you trust that you are going on a trip to India. You’ve researched the trip, booked your ticket and paid, and are eager to see the sights and experience all the trip has to offer.
Your friend replies with a litany of the following:
“But you could lose your luggage. What will you do if you miss your flight. Have you thought about malaria. The plane might crash. You might enjoy the food but what if you get food poisoning. You could leave your passport in a taxi. What happens if you get hit crossing the road. You might wake in a bath of ice missing a kidney. A rabid money might bite off your left hand…”
Do you think you just might be put off going?
I feel like this is what has happened to our donor Koha. Every scenario he has had put to him has been negative.
The kinds of issues he has had suggested to him are things like: ‘what if the baby has Down’s syndrome’, ‘what would you do / how would you feel if the baby became terminally ill’, ‘what if the mothers die / split up / become incapacitated’ , ‘what if you want to be more involved than you thought you would’ etc.
This morning I woke wondering if we should discuss with our possible-maybe donor all of the scenarios that Koha spoke about. I was thinking maybe it was better if this other guy considered them before agreeing to donate, rather than thinking of them later and changing his mind like Koha did.
Then I started wondering why the fertility clinic counsellor hadn’t gone through them all with Koha. As surely they aren’t unique to him and she would’ve been in the best position to discuss options. But I quickly realized that this just wasn’t possible! There were so many potential scenarios – it would be completely unrealistic to think she could even predict half of them.
I remembered that she described the joint counselling session we were booked to do as ‘Implications Counselling’, and said that her aim was to help us devise strategies that worked for all parties involved. Strategies for dealing with potential conflict, communicating etc.
This makes sense as you could never predict all of the possible scenarios that might arise over the course of a child’s life. But you can have strategies in place to help deal with stuff when/if it comes up.
As a friend said to me today: “If you sat down & started to imagine all of the issues that might crop up with your children over the years, no sane person would ever choose to have kid at all!”
So I’m going to discuss it with the counsellor, but figure we won’t be running all of Koha’s freak-out-scenarios past our new guy!
I know one blog I follow (but can’t remember which one!) has had a really great experience with a known donor. I seem to recall that they thought it would be a less contact relationship than it has become, but that it’s all worked out really well.
Does anyone have any experience with any of this? E.g. conversations with known donors, people freaking out over what could go wrong etc?