Where do I even start. I never feel like I have anything to write about, then something happens and all the little things I haven’t bothered to write about add up.
So after the last post we have been waiting for MaWhero to retest. We decided to wait till this week so that the supplements from our naturopath and a better diet (more green veggies) would have time to take effect. So instead of the 4-6 weeks suggested b y the clinic we waited 8 weeks. MaWhero went in for his retest on Thursday.
I spent Wednesday with him as I’d been wanting to hang out (just to spend some casual time getting to know him better as we usually see him with a big group of people). So we went op shopping for the day (second hand shopping) as he’s started doing a market. We had a hilarious day as he is a real practical joker. But we also had lots of awesome in-depth discussions. Everything from how we feel open towards him being much more a part of our baby’s life than any other donor we had considered before, (and he replied how keen he is on that too), to how people (including friends) have ripped him off financially since he’s been living in NZ and how a lot of things have gone wrong for him. He really confided in me about a mutual friend that he felt had lied to him and broken his trust. We talked about his relationship breakdown with his boy’s mother and how he felt about his boy. What gender child he’d prefer. He told me how much he likes Toku and how straight up honest she is – and we discussed how we three all are. I asked about his supplements from our naturopath and he told me he thought it was a waste of money but had been taking them, and showed me 3 other additional men’s sexual health supplements he had gone out and bought himself. (Which I thought were a waste of money lol.) So I said that we would give him some money to pay for them and to cover the green vege he’d been eating and any other incidental costs. I’d offered to pay for the vege a few weeks back but he’d not replied to my txt to offer cash. I also said that since I was going to take my car but then we took his – I’d put some gas in his car. We ended up running out of time as I had to be back in the city for an accupuncture appointment, so I said I would add it to the money I was going to bank into his account. I am sure that I said that I was not being paid for my part time job yet, so we were living on Toku’s income and she got paid at the end of the week. I went back there after my acupuncture and cooked us all dinner and waited till Toku got home from her flight. The three of us joked and laughed lots and lots and left on great terms.
So fast forward 2 days to yesterday and I am anxiously waiting for the sperm test results (as well as celebrating my dad’s birthday and coming down with a nasty cold). The clinic doesn’t ring on Thursday afternoon when they said they would, so I eventually get hold of them late on Friday. They tell me that the results are phenomenally improved, however I can detect a ‘but’ in her voice.
First the good news…his s*perm count per ml has increased from 21 million to 172 million (thanks to our naturopath I am sure)!!! His motility has increased from 30% swimming the correct way to 60%. They do the spinn process and we are left with 80% motile s*perm – brilliant. Then they try a freeze/thaw test…and that’s when it all goes downhill. Only 10% survive. This is very bad news. However, the lab tech tells me that the cause may be that MaWhero didn’t follow the instructions and instead of having 2-3 days abstinence, he has had 6 days. I am very frustrated as, (since the last test), I have sent him 2 emails about the process. I emailed him a week out to repeat to him the lab managers advice to do frequent e*jaculations for the week prior (to clear out any old s*perm), then to abstain for 2-3 days before the test. I txt him on the day I send the email to make sure he reads it and he replies that he will. I txt again 3 days out from the test and remind him that he now needs to abstain till the test. So….the lab technician says the problem could be that a large number of the ‘elderly’ s*perm that were mature and ready to be e*jaculated 6 days earlier weren’t e*jaculated in advance, but were motile enough to not get chucked out in the spinn process. However when frozen they all ‘had heart-attacks’ and don’t survive (these are my explanations not hers lol) – leading to a very low successful thaw rate. Or it could mean that he has the same issue as Toku’s brother Maanaki, and his s*perm just can’t handle the freezing process.
So they have asked if he can retest again this coming Tuesday and are hoping that with only 2 days abstinence they will get a more normal result. If it’s the freeze issue then we could only use it for IVF with ICSI which is out of our league financially. (IUI is around $1200 per cycle, IVF with ICSI is around $15-$18k per cycle.)
So…I ring and leave a message to discuss the retest and also txt, but he replies that’s busy, so I say to txt when he is free to talk. Toku and I are worried about the possibility that it’s a freeze issue but hopeful that it won’t be, and even if it is we discuss using a different clinic and saying he’s my partner (so they will use a fresh sperm sample instead of freezing it to quarantine it for 3 months), or maybe doing home inseminations if he was willing. Toku is also having major job stresses and has a big project ‘going live’ on Tuesday. She’s been underpaid by $1000 in her monthly pay check and considering leaving her job.
In amongst all of that we forget to put the money into MaWhero’s account.
Fast forward to this morning. I’m sitting wrapped up warm as it’s winter and rainy here and I have got a miserable cold. I’m trying not to think about the results and just staying positive that it will all be fine. But damn the universe for making us wait another week to know either way.
Then I realise my phone is on silent and I’ve missed a few txt messages. Including one from MaWhero. I click into to find a txt that is very long but basically says that he is a man of principles and respect and expects the same from others. He’s not a fan of bullshitters or selfish people so when someone promises him something he expects it done. Says he went out of his way to spend money on supplements and a change of diet to help us out and that we haven’t contributed anything. He’s very disappointed and “because of this I am going to withdraw my service with immediate effect. All the best. No need to respond.”
I take my phone up to Toku and both of us sit in shock and disbelief. She tries to call him – no answer, she leaves a message. Deja vu from last time…when he backed out for medical reasons, he wouldn’t reply to txts or answer our calls. I txt and say that ‘I thought I’d told him that Toku didn’t get paid till end of the week, and that I have no income at present. That we are straight up. To please talk to Toku to so we can sort this out.’ No response.
We know that he is in financial difficulties, we hope that what has happened is that he was relying on the money from us (which is a little silly as we’ve never even discussed how much we might give him – although we were planning a good amount in – way more than his veggies and supplements he bought would have cost). He’s a proud kind of guy and maybe he went to fill up his car or buy something and got declined as he was expecting our money to be in there – and it’s just pushed him over the edge given his other financial stresses. But surely he could have got angry and written something like: “Money??!” or “When are you f*cking paying me back?” or similar. But to back out completely after our discussions on Wednesday? I just do not get it.
He knows how badly we want this. He’s said more than once that he’s given his word and would not back out. He’s accused me of carrying baggage from our previous donor backing out when I’ve been hesitant. He’s told me that I shouldn’t judge him by what others have done. Yet he’s judging us by his bad money experiences with other people.
We’ve gone ahead this morning and put money in his account. Probably another lot of $$$ that we can’t afford down the drain.
I just don’t know how much more of this that I can take.