Perhaps we may be on the cusp of something good. Oh PLEASE let us be on the cusp of something good!!!
Firstly to update on the last post – MaWhero never even responded to our txts or our call. (We only tried to call once as we didn’t see much point trying lots of times.) So that is it. Saturday was spent in a flurry of trying to set things right, banking the money (and a stupidly generous amount I might add), trying to make contact with our mutual friend to act as an intermediary (she was away at a food show all weekend so couldn’t help) etc.
By Sunday morning we had both come to the conclusion (actually Toku probably decided by Saturday evening), that even if he did come back to us and realise it was a mistake, we couldn’t trust him after he’d treated us like that. So on Sunday afternoon I had become extremely pissy and decided I had nothing to lose, I was going to get a bit of the anger and frustration out in a txt to him. I basically told him how we were so disappointed in him and that we had been prepared to take him into our family – that they were all really sad at what he’d done. We were so surprised that he’d thrown away our whole friendship over a mis-understanding. That he’d told us to be straight up and we had expected the same from him. That we believed that he must have just changed his mind and that it was a cruel and nasty way to treat us.
No answer of course, but I felt a little better getting it off my chest.
On the Monday night we spoke to our mutual friend who said she had a few calls from people that he had fallen out with over the weekend. He’d received some bad news and struck out at a number of people. Sad, but still unforgivable in our minds.
Sunday was a bad, bad day for me. I spent the morning in tears and then could feel myself rapidly dropping into depression. Toku had work to do so went into the office and I joined her, throwing myself into a funding application for the local school. And you know what, it worked a treat – I felt heaps better.
So on Monday I wrote to the fertility clinic donor co-ordinator and counsellor to update them that MaWhero had pulled out. The donor co-ordinator wrote back that they had a Maori donor possibly available (who the counsellor had spoken to us about as a back up plan when Koha pulled out and we were still waiting for MaWhero’s test results). So we asked them to make contact with him and see if we could use him.
He’s legally allowed to donate to 5 couples, but the clinic’s protocol is to get permission before using it for an additional couple and his s*perm is already in use by one couple.
The bad news is that he does some job where he is regularly out of internet contact for a week or more at a time – so he hasn’t replied to them yet.
The good news is that he has signed permission for his donation to be used by lesbian couples (phew!), and that they mentioned a couple of months ago that they had another couple possibly interested in using him as donor and he and his wife (partner?) were ‘excited’ about it. This bodes pretty well for him agreeing to accept another couple -i.e. us!
He has stipulated that his donation only go to a person (or couple) with Maori blood – which I have. So it looks pretty hopeful.
We were never willing to consider using a clinic donor before as they are anonymous – and we wanted a known donor. But the counsellor has said that in some cases the donor (and partner) are willing to meet the prospective recipients (anonymously in a clinic facilitated meeting where you don’t exchange names), and also sometimes have contact once a child is born.
This is so very much what I want as in my culture, the concept of whakapapa – genealogy is held in the upmost regard – to not know who your ancestors are leaves you rootless and unconnected.
Also, he is (as far as we know), the only Maori donor in the country, so that’s another reason why we never thought that a clinic donor would work for us. (This lack of Maori donors is closely linked to the importance of whakapapa – Maori men do not donate as they believe it is wrong for children to not know their genealogy.)
We figure that if this donor cares enough about his cultural roots to insist that one of us must be of Maori ethnicity, then hopefully he will believe that it is important for a child to know it’s tribal origin and hopefully with time, him as well.
I am finally at the point where doing it this way seems like a viable option.
Excitingly, as soon as he replied to the clinic (with a big yes we hope), then we can go in and view his profile. If we like what we see then we can sign the consents and start the process immediately! They could start monitoring me within the next couple of weeks as soon as I get Day 1…and we could do an insemination when I next ovulate.
Oh and ironically – for all of the time and money I have spent on fancy supplements, acupuncture etc – with 3 months of pre-conception care before each attempt (e.g I have done this multiple times over the last 3 years), this time I have had no acupuncture or osteopathy for months. All of my very expensive supplements are sitting on my kitchen shelf while I first waited for Koha’s quarantine period to end, then after he pulled out I was waiting for MaWhero’s test results to be good and once he banked I would have had time to do the 3 month pre-conception while we waited out the 3 mth quarantine period before his donation was released. Now I could potentially be doing IUI in less than a month, so have no time for them to have any effect!
So please all send us good juju’s that maybe this is the way our baby is going to come to us because Murphy’s Law dictates that it will be when we are least ready!