Overall it’s more of the same round here, with a whole lotta waiting going on.
As many of you commented on my last post, I guess it is good that our potential donor is taking his time to consider whether he wants his s*perm used for more than one couple. But oh man, we so could’ve used a break with the old ‘Universe makes Toku & Kare wait as long as it possibly can’ agenda.
We went to the city on Friday and had to pay some bills at the fertility clinic for MaWhero’s donor costs. So we took the opportunity to call in and see the donor coordinator Kataraina who we had not met before. I guess I wanted her to have a picture of who we were and I was hoping she’d like us and that might, in some small way, influence how she speaks about us to the donor.
We also asked for blank copies of the form that the donor fills in, so we would know what information we hopefully will get about him.
While parking we saw our counsellor walking out of the building and so we had a little carpark chat with her. She’s lovely, and told us that she feels it is better that we wait now for an answer from the donor and his wife as she’d hate for us to get further through the process then have him change his mind. She said that when she saw our email about MaWhero she felt like crying as she was so upset for us. She does not want it to happen again. (On the same page there!)
She told us that she really likes the Maori donor and his wife, has met the numerous times and that they ‘are genuinely lovely people’. That they take time to consider and make solid decisions and that they thought long and hard before deciding to donate. I think for years.
I think she also may have let a hint slip but I’m not sure. She said that the wife had been in touch with one of the clinic doctors a couple of times in the last fortnight, so she was going to ask the doctor where he thought they were at. (I doubt she’ll tell us though!) I was wondering why the wife might be speaking to a doctor there, then I thought that perhaps she has had to have fertility treatment at the clinic herself, and maybe that’s why they have decided for him to be a s*perm donor? I might be totally off the mark, but it could be the reason?
Anyway, the counsellor said that she will try and check in with them again this coming week. She gave us the blank donor form and also one for each of us to fill in, which is given to the donor. I’m not sure if he gets it if/when we choose to use his donation, or if it’s only done when I get pregnant.
While we get to view his information sheet, (which I don’t think will have any pictures attached), he doesn’t get to find out anything about us till later on. So once he has decided how many couples he is willing to donate to, he doesn’t get to ‘choose’ us. The clinic will check that we meet any criteria he has stipulated and then if we fit we can go ahead. The criteria they can select or not allow are (I think), married couples only, same sex couples, single women.
I’m curious about how this all works overseas? What kind of information you get to use to make a decision and does the donor gets any information. Particularly in Australia and the UK as I know the US does it pretty different from here. (I’d like to know about the US & other countries too of course!)
It seems like here is a bit like an old school adoption in some ways, (with the non-identifying profile information shared), and then becomes an open adoption once the child turns 18 and has the legal right to know who their father is, and I think possibly before 18 if all parties were amenable to it?
One thing I’ve noticed is how little people know about it all – my SIL & brother plus my mother all had no idea that the law in NZ stated that the child is given contact details for their donor once they get to 18. They were all really relieved when they found that out, as similar to me, they believe that knowing your heritage and genealogy is very important.
So for now we wait and wait and wait some more.
Hopefully we will get a ‘YES’ next week and then will be able to go into the clinic and view his profile (they don’t let you take it away or photograph it etc!). You never know, I think my period may actually be due next weekend…so there could still be time to try this coming cycle if he got back to the clinic on Monday…
It could be the only chance for a ‘unplanned’ pregnancy I get!