Baby loss poems

baby loss poems

Here are a series of poems I wrote in the middle of the night before our first baby’s due date. It was just 2 months after our second loss and I was overwhelmed with grief.

I’m no poet, but I am putting them here to acknowledge my pain and that part of our journey. It was an exceedingly hard day. With my brothers first child due to be induced 7 days later.

The poems chart some of my feelings from sadness to love to anger to wishing to healing. It’s a journey that my wife and I undertook together daily. For her unerring love and support I am both blessed and truly grateful.

The last poem I wrote on the night of my father’s 60th birthday, a day I hoped we’d be celebrating as a newly extended family, but instead there was just one grandchild, and she wasn’t mine.

 

Your birth day

To our precious first baby
On the occasion
Of your imagined birth day

I have so many if only’s
But instead I will gift you wishes
Like you, they are real even if intangible

I wish that you are at peace

I wish that you know how much your mamas love you
And think of you everyday

I wish that you were able to feel our love when you were inside me (from the very first moment of conception)

I wish that your journey was just as long as it was always meant to be
And that I did nothing to shorten it

I wish that you are happy where you are and are together with our other pepi

I wish that you know how our whole family has grieved for you
And will today, knowing this is the day that we were expecting to meet you

I wish that when I think of you, you can sense it

I wish that you are warm, and safe and know that I wish I could’ve held you

I wish that you will always, always know that we love and miss you.

Dream of us often and remember our love for you. Moe mai ra toku pepi.

Smitten

We were smitten

With the thought of you
The dreams of all you would be
The dreams of all we would be, to you

I was smitten
With the exquisiteness of knowing you were growing inside of me
Inside of me
Finally

We were enamoured

With the easily imagined images
We conjured of you
All wild snarls of hair
Burnished skin
Big eyes
Strong legs
Sassy ass
Attitude.in.spades

But suddenly we were smote
Struck down mid dream

You were gone
Before we even had you

And I am still here,
Wondering what happened

Smitten then smote
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

Due date lament

My first baby, my second baby, our babies
I grieve for you so
By sunlight
By moonlight
By the lonely light of my phone
I sit late
Exhausted but unable to allow myself to succumb to the sweet release of sleep
Searching online for something, anything
That will help make sense of this
Such heaviness and aching for you both
With all my body and soul
I miss you.

MisCarriage

I bled and you slipped out of me
Suddenly
Too easily
You left me bereft, in shock, numb

Next time round
I took even more care
But that time my dead baby didn’t slip out of me
That one nearly had to be ripped from my womb

But the needles and herbs I took
Helped her along
And the pain of my cervix dilating
Late that night / early that morning
Whilst ironically, I used my hypnobirthing breathing
Allowed me to feel that the pain of this baby leaving
Was more proper, more fitting

I miss carried you
They say
Was I that inept and uncaring?

Was I that unprepared
Me who had carefully
Researched
Detoxed
Accupunctured
Charted
Monitored
Read and read and read

Does my body not come equipped with that innate knowledge
Of how to do this thing
That all women
No matter how unprepared
Unwilling
Or unintelligent
Can do so well

How did I mis carry
Our precious babies?

They say they’ll investigate when I’ve had my third loss
Fuck that.
I’ll find my own answers.

A gift for our family

Today
Was meant to be the day
I’d waited for
For years

I would truly become a mother
My wife would be given the gift of a child of her own blood
My parents would finally become grandparents
My brother become an uncle, his future child receive an older cousin
My uncles, Great Uncles
And my baby obsessed Nana
Would graduate, (to her relief),
To being a Great Grandmother

One small beloved child
Had the capacity to make all of this happen
Their arrival would reverberate through our family order
To make generations
Change position

To gift to me
My ultimate dream
Of being a mother

To bond me to my wife
Forevermore
With tighter bonds than any marriage could ever construct

But alas
Today this will not happen
Nor did it already happen
And it will not happen in a weeks time either

Instead
My brother and his wife’s precious child
Due to be born in the next week
Will be the key in the lock
To shift all of our positions
To elevate us to new places of responsibility
To open our hearts to new levels of love

And for this great loss of mine
and this great gain of ours

I will cry heartily
And then I will be grateful.

Unable 

One day I hope I

Am unable to hold our

Baby in my hand

 

Our babies' tree

Our babies’ tree

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